


Equilibrium

by ladydragon76



Category: Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, warning: character death, warning: triggery content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-11 06:18:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladydragon76/pseuds/ladydragon76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Summary:</b> Sunstreaker blows himself and the bridge up to save the other Autobots.  Now Sideswipe gets to try to figure out his life without his twin and bondmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Equilibrium

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Masqueadrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masqueadrift/gifts).



> **‘Verse:** IDW  
>  **Series:** None  
>  **Rating:** NC-17  
>  **Characters:** Sideswipe/Blurr + Sunstreaker  
>  **Warnings:** Canon Character Death and Resurrection, Discussion of suicide, Angst, Sticky and Spark Smut, Bit AU from Sunstreaker’s actual comic return, and one character thinking he’s committing non-con.  
>  **Notes:** For masqueadrift. A totally self-indulgent use of our cracked out OTP. Hope you like it, bb! ♥

Blurr didn’t register that the creak he heard beyond his and Sideswipe’s moans and panting breaths was anything other than the berth shifting under them.

Sideswipe stiffened, vents catching. _Then_ his helm whipped to the side.

A low growl resonated from near the door, and Blurr looked too, mind hazy with pleasure and lust, only to go cold with shock.

“Sunny,” Sideswipe gasped.

~ | ~

Sideswipe woke up.

He _woke up_.

“Hey,” Ratchet said, face hovering into view.

Sideswipe blinked up at him, and wondered why he was awake. Why he was _alive_.

“Gave us quite the scare there,” Ratchet continued. His voice was soft, sincere. He wasn’t yelling. He wasn’t swearing. He wasn’t threatening Sideswipe with a permanent reformatting. “You guttered on me three times.”

Ratchet kept talking, but Sideswipe wasn’t listening. All he could hear was his own scream as Sunstreaker blew up the bridge and himself. All he could feel was the aching hollow inside, cold and empty where his spark should have been.

Why was he alive? His twin was dead. _Why_ hadn’t he been allowed to join him? Why weren’t they _finally_ allowed to rest together?

“You’ll pull through,” Ratchet said.

_I don’t want to pull through._

“You’re strong.”

 _I’m nothing._ He never would be without his twin.

~ | ~

Sideswipe was angry. He was _always_ angry anymore. If he had to suffer through one more fragging platitude, or fake smile, or ‘sad’ pat on his shoulder from some idiot without a clue, he was going to shoot someone. He was sick of the fact that _no one_ would look him in the optics anymore. He was just plain sick of everything. He didn’t even know why he was in the Rec Room. He wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Suddenly a cube of energon appeared right in Sideswipe’s brooding line of sight. The blue hand retracted, and he looked up to see Blurr slide into the opposite chair.

Blurr didn’t smile, but he didn’t look away either.

Sideswipe stared, optics narrowing. It went on long enough that Blurr’s lips twitched into a genuine smile of amusement.

“I’ll win this. I’m more patient than most give me credit for,” Blurr said as he continued to hold Sideswipe’s gaze.

“Frag yourself.” Sideswipe grabbed the cube and gulped the energon down just so he’d have a reason to break the optic contact himself. The energon burned the whole way down.

“High grade,” Blurr informed belatedly and with a smirk. “And I don’t need to frag myself. I might let you, but there’re plenty willing if you don’t want to.”

Sideswipe forced down the urge to cough, and took another mouthful of the high grade. “Wow,” he said deadpan, “I think that’s the sexiest offer for interfacing I’ve ever had. Take me, take me now, I can’t resist you.”

Blurr’s optic ridge popped up, and he sipped at his own cube. He was graceful, held the cube the same way Mirage or Thundercracker would. High-born. Confident. Certain affectations so ingrained, Blurr couldn’t help but show the Class he was once a part of. It made Sideswipe’s spark throb a hot rage through his lines. Sunstreaker had tried so hard all his life to make those gestures fluid. He’d succeeded, but they were _never_ unconscious.

Sideswipe was on his feet, cube empty and falling to the table, and free hand yanking Blurr up all at once.

If Blurr protested, Sideswipe missed it. He wouldn’t have stopped anyway. Before he could process it, he’d shoved Blurr over the back side of the sofa. Then he was thrusting deep and hard, uncaring of who saw. What they thought.

It was over as fast as it started. Overload a tight knot that whipped loose in a hot gush. It barely felt like pleasure. It barely felt like anything.

Sideswipe looked down at Blurr’s back. The Racer was squirming a bit, dents the shape of Sideswipe’s fingers at his hip and opposite shoulder. With a sick lurch of his tanks, he realized what he’d done. Ages of refusing to show weakness to others was the only thing that kept him from purging his tanks right then and there.

Sideswipe pulled away, shoving his spike into its housing, panel snapping shut.

Then he fled, doing his best to make it look like he was only storming off. He knew he was going to be in trouble. Blurr was spoiled even after so long at war. Everyone knew that. He wouldn’t tolerate the damage, and there was no way he would, or even should accept being fucked against his will.

There was a word for that.

There were witnesses too.

Frag.

What had he done? Was he really insane after all?

~

Blurr stuck his bottom lip out in a pout, and pushed up enough to watch Sideswipe stomp out of the Rec Room.

“Blurr?” Bluestreak asked in a soft, worried tone.

Blurr sighed and stood, frowning as he felt the pain of the dents. “That wasn’t quite what I was hoping for.”

“He… It looked like-“

Blurr waved dismissively. “Wreckers like it rough.” He cast Bluestreak a smirk before letting the frown return. “We also like the job finished though.” And Sideswipe had _not_ finished him off.

Blurr took a moment to clean himself up a little with a polishing cloth, then strode for the exit. He’d goaded Sideswipe into that. The fact it hadn’t been all _Blurr_ had been hoping for only meant he needed to try harder.

Good news was that Sideswipe had actually _reacted_ for a change. Blurr would count that as a win. He always won, and he wasn’t about to stop now. Not with a friend’s life on the line.

~ | ~

Sideswipe didn’t understand how _nothing_ happened after he… was so rough with Blurr. He should apologize at the very least, but couldn’t seem to bring himself to search the Racer out. He saw Blurr once in the past week, and the sight of the healing dents had made Sideswipe feel ill. He’d hidden, and stayed hidden after that.

He still couldn’t believe he’d done it. And why hadn’t he been thrown in the brig? Was this yet more pity? The thought infuriated Sideswipe, and he slammed violently into the medbay for his checkup.

Ratchet looked up, optics sliding off to the side as _every-slagging-one’s_ did, and gestured to the berth. “Anything new?” He’d learned not to ask Sideswipe how he was feeling.

“No.” Short. Clipped. Sideswipe didn’t want to be here. Ratchet didn’t _want_ him here. Didn’t want Sideswipe there to remind him what he’d lost and almost lost.

Ratchet ran his scans, touching as little of Sideswipe as he could get away with. When he spoke, it was soft, low words. The sort of tone meant to comfort a dying mech.

Sideswipe alternately _loathed_ that tone and wished he really was dying. Unfortunately, his spark had somehow managed to stabilize. He was going to survive.

For now.

War was unpredictable at least, and there were all sorts of ways he could find to rejoin his twin.

Thankfully, Ratchet’s scans were over and done with quickly, and Sideswipe left without waiting for permission. It was routine by now, and Ratchet wouldn’t try to stop him anyway.

Sideswipe slipped through the corridors. He didn’t want to be around anyone, so the Rec Room was out, but he was sick of staring at the walls of their- _his_ room. Everything reminded him of Sunstreaker. The large berth, the cleansers and waxes. He couldn’t take it anymore!

Sideswipe ducked down into the deeper tunnels, the places most mechs didn’t bother going. He could be alone down there in the dark.

Or so he’d thought.

Sideswipe had just settled onto a wide, naturally formed shelf when a slight scuff of metal on stone echoed to him. His helm whipped around, instantly spotting the glowing blue optics. They narrowed a little, tilting up at the outer corners as the mech smiled.

“You haven’t refueled today,” Blurr said, and Sideswipe’s attention was directed to the cubes in the Racer’s hands.

Anger rushed back. “The frag is wrong with you?” Blurr blinked, helm tilting. “I don’t want your damn pity! I don’t _need_ you chasing me around babying me!”

“Well good. You don’t have my pity, and I’m not trying to baby you.” Blurr shoved a cube against Sideswipe’s chest. Sideswipe fumbled to catch it instinctively. “It sucks how no one knows how to be around you anymore.”

Sideswipe’s mouth worked silently for a moment. “Yeah, it does, but what the frag are _you_ doing? After what I did-“ He was cut off by Blurr’s laughter. Not just a light chuckle, but a _laugh_.

“Is that why you’ve been hiding out?” Blurr practically giggled. “Sides… Mech, I am the fastest living being in the known universe. You _really_ think that I didn’t _let_ you face me?” He snorted. “Did you miss how my panel was already open? Did you hear me shout ‘stop’ or ‘no’? Even once?”

“So I didn’t… I mean… But-“

Blurr’s hand flicked dismissively, a light flutter in the shadows between them. “Nope. You did leave me burning for an overload, so if it’ll help your guilt any, you can just get me off twice this time.”

Sideswipe blinked dumbly up at Blurr. “Why are you doing this?”

Blurr leaned down, one hand bracing him against the tunnel wall. His voice was a soft, intimate purr beside Sideswipe’s cheek. “You’re my friend. I don’t really know how to help you deal with Sunstreaker’s death, but I’m not going to just leave you to do it alone.” Then his mouth was on Sideswipe’s, tasting like high grade and maybe some sort of escape.

Sideswipe moaned, pulled away long enough to finish his energon, then dragged Blurr into his lap. He could overload Blurr twice easily enough. He owed him that much.

~ | ~

Blurr knew that Sideswipe was completely befuddled by his behavior. He was all right with that. Not only was it fun, but he was getting ‘faced pretty regularly now, and that hadn’t happened since the Wreckers were disbanded.

It was slow going, but as he’d said, Blurr was more patient than all but a very select few gave him credit for. He hunted Sideswipe down, bringing energon -usually high grade- along. Slowly, so slowly, he managed to get Sideswipe out and about.

~

“Come on.”

Sideswipe looked up from the datapad at Blurr. “What?”

“I need out of here and Prowl won’t let me go alone.” Blurr added a touch of a whine to his voice. “Something about not trusting me to do the speed limit.” He rolled his optics, and leaned against the wall.

Sideswipe snorted. “And he thinks _I_ will?”

Blurr shrugged, hiding the triumph he felt as Sideswipe stood to follow him out.

~

Blurr arched under Sideswipe. The ground was soft in a way even their berths weren’t, and Sideswipe’s knees gouged into it as he thrust harder into the Racer’s very willing body. Blurr bucked and moaned, one Pit of a sight as the sunlight lit his plating, face open, lost in pleasure. Pleasure Sideswipe was causing.

He was really starting to like this. Blurr kept dragging him out, and others were around, but it was… ok enough. Especially when he got this for a reward. Slick heat gripped him, squeezing in a rolling wave along his spike, setting off a cascade of bliss over the nodes. Blurr’s cries got louder, taking on that desperate edge Sideswipe was coming to know and anticipate. It wouldn’t be long now and-

Blurr keened, calipers cinching tight. Sideswipe pushed deep, grinding his hips so their arrays rubbed, drawing out Blurr’s overload even as he fought against the urge to cave to his own. Not yet. Sideswipe had forgotten what a pleasure it was to watch as he drove his lovers wild. Blurr was fun. It was still early in the day. He was sure he could wind them both even higher, and set about doing just that.

~

The Rec Room was full when they entered, and Blurr kept up a happy stream of babble to cover the slight dip in conversation. It was normal. It happened no matter who entered the room, then picked right back up. Mechs were just curious about who was coming through the doors.

However, Blurr also knew that Sideswipe was still _very_ touchy, and a little bit paranoid. As predicted, the noise returned right away to the previous level, and they crossed to the energon dispenser without issue.

It was still difficult to get Sideswipe out and around others, but the fact that they were here at all was a testament to how much progress Sideswipe had made. Blurr was proud of him, and was sure to reward Sideswipe often for going along with his ideas. He dropped himself right into Sideswipe’s lap, sipping at his cube between rattling off ideas for what they could do after his shift tomorrow evening.

“We could just stay in,” Sideswipe said, but rather than a sulky tone, he purred.

Blurr blinked, then smiled. “I suppose I’ve been hauling you around a lot doing what I want to do.”

A black fingertip ticked over the vent slats on Blurr’s thigh. “I don’t mind.” A lie, but it was a lie _for_ Blurr’s sake. Sideswipe trying to please him, not just cave to his demands so Blurr wouldn’t harangue him.

Blurr wound his arms around Sideswipe’s neck. “We could stay in tonight too, if you wanted?”

Sideswipe purred, helm tipping so he could capture Blurr’s mouth with his own. Blurr returned the kiss, ignoring the glare Ratchet shot him. That was going to have to be dealt with too, but not tonight. Tonight and tomorrow he was giving Sideswipe his way. Then would be the test. Would Sideswipe suggest something around others on his own? Or was he not quite there yet?

~

“ _You_ are not a trained psychologist!”

“So?” Blurr asked, and thought that if Ratchet ground his teeth together any harder, he’d bust something in his jaw.

“So! You are not at all qualified to decide what Sideswipe needs! You’re creating a codependency. He doesn’t do _anything_ without _you_ there holding his fragging hand!”

Blurr crossed his arms over his chest and shook his helm. “You wouldn’t even look him in the optics, so don’t give me slag about me not knowing what I’m doing. At least I’m _doing_! What has anyone else at all done?” He swept an arm out, anger beginning to really take root. “He was ignored, or fed stupid platitudes. No one would look him in the optic. No one else sat down next to him and told him that they were clueless, but wanted to be there for him anyway!”

“He needs more than just you ordering him around,” Ratchet snapped back. “He needs-“

“He needs a damn lot!” Blurr interrupted. “He needs to _accept_ that it’s really ok that he lives without his twin. That he’s not betraying Sunstreaker by merely continuing to function! He needs to _choose_ to just keep living, and he does that every fragging morning he gets up! He _needs_ mechs to want him around! To be selfish and demand he lives until he can get himself past the grief.”

“It’s not selfish to want him to live!”

Blurr blinked. “You’re not that dumb.”

Ratchet sputtered.

“It’s totally selfish. He’s in agony every day, but I’m too selfish and greedy, and love him too much to be willing to let go! I’ve already lost one of them, I’m not-“ Blurr stopped himself, shocked by what he’d said, but it was too late to take back.

“He needs more than just you to live,” Ratchet said, voice soft, shoulders slumping.

“We’re working on that,” Blurr replied. “Don’t tell him what I said.”

Ratchet shook his helm. “No. No that would only confuse things more.”

Blurr scrubbed at his face with his hands. “If you have ideas, I’m willing to hear them, but I’m not letting go until I have to.”

“When the time comes, will you be able to do it gracefully?”

Blurr’s optics narrowed. “Will you?”

~

After his accidental confession to Ratchet, Blurr couldn’t help but feel awkward and stiff around Sideswipe. He was constantly fearful that he’d slip up. Interfacing was difficult. Sideswipe loved to drive him to mindlessness, but Blurr couldn’t just let go anymore. What if he said _it_?

He didn’t withdraw. Blurr couldn’t do that even if he thought he should, but he did start hauling others into conversation with Sideswipe sooner than planned. He wasn’t a professional. He knew that, but he was trying.

Too hard apparently.

“The frag is with you lately?” Sideswipe demanded, shoving Blurr back into his quarters and locking the door.

“You know this is about getting you back into the swing of th-“ Blurr huffed and stopped talking as Sideswipe’s hand came up.

“No. You. You’ve changed.” Sideswipe’s optics narrowed with anger. “Don’t want your fragging pity. Don’t need your stupid charity. So if you don’t actually want to be around me, then get the fuck out, and stay out.”

Blurr’s spark bottomed out and the energon in his lines went cold. “No,” he said, voice barely more than a staticky whisper. “No, Sides, that’s really not it.”

“Then what is it? I am in no mood for your games, so speak plainly, or I’ll throw you right out that door.” Sideswipe punctuated the threat by jabbing a finger toward the door in question, his other fist clenched tight.

“I really can’t say,” Blurr began, hands coming up as Sideswipe stalked toward him. “I can’t! I want to be with you! I really do! I want you to be as healed as you can! I’m sorry! I suck at this, but I’m trying!”

Sideswipe stopped, looming over Blurr where he’d dropped to sit- huddle on the edge of the berth. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“Please…”

“Spill it, or get out.”

“It’ll only mess things up.”

“Blurr.” A warning growl with a tight grip to Blurr’s upper arm, forcing him to stand.

“I love you, ok?!” Blurr yanked himself out of Sideswipe’s hold, and paced away.

“Oh.” Sideswipe was quiet for a minute or two, and Blurr kept his back turned.

It was too much pressure. Sideswipe shouldn’t have to deal with the burden of Blurr’s emotions right now. He _knew_ that, but better to tell than be cast aside. Right?

“Yeah, that does fuck things up a bit.”

Sideswipe’s arms wrapped around Blurr’s waist, pulling him close. “I don’t need or expect anything back.”

“That’s even more fucked up.”

Blurr huffed a laugh, and shook his helm. “Yeah. Well. There you have it.”

“Not quite.” Sideswipe rested his chin on Blurr’s shoulder, purring softly for a moment as he thought. “So you realized how much you care, and thought that pulling away would be better? But better than what? No one else has given a scrap about me. No one else tried.”

“S’what I told Ratchet.”

Sideswipe snorted, then nuzzled into Blurr’s neck to nibble and kiss along the cables. “Can’t say it back. I know love from Sunstreaker, and that’s not what I feel for you, but there’s something there. More than gratitude. More than friendship, but not the same. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want you pulling away from me. I don’t want… weaned from your presence. Got it?”

Blurr nodded, throat too tight to speak.

“Good,” Sideswipe said, purring again as he pulled Blurr toward the berth. “You can say it whenever you want though. Nice to be loved again.”

Blurr nodded again, shutting his optics against the incongruent burn as Sideswipe pushed him down to the berth. Hands and a hot mouth moved over Blurr’s body, teasing out the best reactions. He let go, giving everything to Sideswipe. It _was_ nice. He was even able to delude himself a little into thinking the feelings were returned, if only for those moments.

~ | ~

Blurr laughed as Sideswipe caught his waist and lifted him off his feet. He would never get used to how light the Racer was. He wasn’t much shorter than Sideswipe, half a head or so, but he felt like he could blow away in a strong enough wind. It made it rather fun to pick him up and carry him off.

Like now.

Sideswipe tucked the giggling mech against his side so Blurr hung from his middle, feet and hands reaching for the ground just beyond his reach. Sideswipe keyed open his quarters. Noting, as he always did, that the ache in his spark was still there, but after so long, it was bearable. Blurr… not to be too sappy about it all… made it bearable.

Sideswipe dropped Blurr onto the berth, following him down, and playfully pushing him around. He’d made the discovery about three months ago that Blurr was ticklish if caught just right.

Fingers dug in by the pipes in Blurr’s side, scrabbling quickly. Blurr yelped, flailing. Sideswipe dodged a kick, and quickly settled himself over those damn powerful legs. He’d taken a solid kick the first time, and Ratchet had bitched the whole time he’d worked out the dent. Plus it’d kind of hurt, and Blurr had felt bad even if it’d been uncontrollable.

Sideswipe tickled Blurr until his vents wheezed, then leaned down, braced on his elbows and knees. Blurr was still snickering, pale pink lines of tears still wetting his face from laughing so hard. Sideswipe just smiled, purring contentedly.

He thought he might know this feeling that was soaking all warm and languorously through his lines, but didn’t want to name it. It’d only been about a year. He _shouldn’t_ feel like this yet. It wasn’t fair to-

Blurr reached up, cupping Sideswipe’s face between his hands, lips warm and smiling as he pressed them to Sideswipe’s. “I hate that.”

Sideswipe smirked, nipping at a plump lower lip. “No, you hate that I can make you giggle and snort and shriek like a lunatic sparkling.”

“Same thing,” Blurr grinned.

Sideswipe shook his helm, but rather than argue, rocked his hips down to press against Blurr’s. He watched as Blurr’s optics darkened instantly. “I know something you do like.”

Blurr gasped as his panel clicked open. Sideswipe let his retract as well. He and- They’d had an arrangement. No one got their valves but each other. Sideswipe had broken that old, now pointless, rule a couple weeks ago. Blurr had done a damn good job of making the guilt worth it.

Sideswipe thought he might like to try that again. He rocked his pelvis down once more, smiling as Blurr moaned. “Want it.”

Blurr moaned again, from deeper in his chest, as his spike extended. Sideswipe lifted, looking down between them. He debated sliding lower, tasting the trail of LED blue that wound and twisted in whorls and swirls up the sides of Blurr’s shiny silver spike, but decided to wait until later. He _did_ want it, valve tightening at the thought.

Sideswipe teased them both by slowly impaling himself. Blurr’s hands clutched at his shoulders, a low, feral sound escaping. As pushy as Blurr was in everything else, he had never demanded anything of Sideswipe in their berth.

Well, nothing Sideswipe wasn’t willing to give. That made him want to give everything. Just to see the way Blurr’s optics would darken to cobalt with lust. To see the way his lips would part in surprise, though he sure was selfish enough to accept without protest or question.

Sideswipe loved having such an adventurous lover. Pits, if anything it was _Blurr_ keeping it tame for Sideswipe’s sake. Mech had a reputation, and had hinted a few times that all the gossipmongers barely had a clue.

Before he really even thought about it, Sideswipe’s chest plating clicked lightly as the locks disengaged. How far would Blurr go? Had he ever been spark to spark? Even through casings?

Sideswipe couldn’t help moaning at the naughty little thrill he got from it. He should _not_ be doing this. This was crossing a line. Blurr’s optics went wide, respiration kicking up even more.

“Sides.”

“Don’t have to, but just through the crystals.” Sideswipe didn’t want to bond. He wasn’t ready for that, didn’t really ever think he’d choose to be bonded ever again. It would be so good to feel another spark though.

Blurr didn’t hesitate beyond his surprise. Locks clicked softly, and armor retracted. Sideswipe moaned at the sight of the pale, pulsing light of Blurr’s spark. He curled down, exhaling over the crystal, and smiling when Blurr cried out.

“Ever done this before?”

Blurr’s helm rocked back and forth. A gasp. “No.”

Sideswipe purred, careful of the pressure his lips put on Blurr’s spark crystal as he arched and shouted from the vibrations. “Could overload you like this,” he murmured, locking his knees to Blurr’s sides to help minimize the wriggling. He used his weight to keep Blurr’s hips pinned to the berth, and growled as his audial horns were gripped and squeezed.

So many choices. But when it came right down to it, Sideswipe was feeling a bit greedy. He wanted that bright spark against his own. He wanted to feel the rush and heat.

Blurr keened as Sideswipe lifted his helm away, tugging weakly, vents cycling hard.

“Easy, love.” Sideswipe stretched out over Blurr. “Relax.”

Sideswipe stroked his hands over Blurr’s plating, fingers delving into the seams and joints. He reached, pulsing his spark and gasping as pleasure shot from his core out. A low moan was pulled from him. It’d been so long.

Sideswipe whimpered, pushing his hips down in a slow roll. His control was slipping already. It’d been _too_ long. Blurr arched and writhed beneath him, deep, almost guttural sounds escaping, lost in sensation, and Sideswipe followed. He straightened his legs, the angle of Blurr’s spike changing. Shallow. Neither of them were focused there anyway.

Sideswipe pressed his face into Blurr’s neck, panting as electric bliss pounded between them. Blurr’s fingers clawed at his plating, cries growing louder with each volley from their sparks. Finesse and skill fell away, leaving them writhing against one another, minute shifts rocketing the charge higher and higher.

The universe exploded, blinding white light and a sharp, high, ringing sound. Sideswipe sobbed into Blurr’s shoulder, scrambling after the receding sense of completion, spark still reaching. Points of pain resolved themselves into Blurr’s fingers, dug deep into armor gaps and clinging tight to Sideswipe.

There was a soft whimper, a whispered, “I love you,” Blurr replied in kind, then darkness curled up over Sideswipe.

~ | ~

Blurr lounged across Sideswipe’s lap, purring in contentment as he read from a datapad. Sideswipe was talking to Bluestreak across the table, sipping energon and smiling.

Blurr’s attention was stolen from the history on racing by Sideswipe’s chuckle. He glanced up, but didn’t interrupt. This was the Sideswipe he’d known from long before Sunstreaker had died. Even Ratchet had stopped complaining and lecturing Blurr more than a year ago when Sideswipe _really_ began to come back out of his shell.

There’d been whispers of it being a miracle. Then as everyone relaxed, crude jokes -in good humor, so Blurr hadn’t minded- about exactly what Sideswipe was _really_ living for started up. Blurr was pretty happy himself. He no longer dragged Sideswipe through their days, but if there was a miracle, it was that Blurr was being monogamous.

Sideswipe was enough, which was a pretty new and exciting situation for Blurr to find himself in. They hadn’t really talked about it, but there were subtle comments about ‘when the war ends’, and the silly, sappy comments like, ‘I’m keeping you, you know?’. Plus, ever since that first time they’d shared sparks, Sideswipe told Blurr that he loved him. Every day.

It was almost embarrassing. Not that Sideswipe loved him or said so. No, that was wonderful. It was how warm and fuzzy and sappy they were, especially when alone. So much for powerful warriors. Blurr could feel his face heat just thinking about it. Not that he’d trade an instant of it, but Primus! Their poor reputations! He’d heard more than once that they were ‘cute’ even.

Sideswipe chuckled again, helm dipping to nuzzle Blurr’s cheek. “What are you thinking about, Smurf? I haven’t done anything to put that blush there.” A pause. “Yet.” A single black finger stroked across abdominal vents.

Bluestreak snickered. “Yeah. I’m out. You two have fun.”

Blurr waved absently, optics not leaving Sideswipe’s. “We’re worse than younglings with our first crush. Still.”

“Is that a complaint?” Sideswipe was smiling, but there was always that edge of fear in his voice when he hinted at anything negative in their relationship.

“Nope!” Blurr subspaced the datapad, and wound his arms around Sideswipe’s neck. “Younglings, or just plain addicted.” He offered a shrug. “Either way, I could use a dose.” Blurr ground his aft down into Sideswipe’s lap, and grinned.

Sideswipe growled back, and simply stood, carrying Blurr out of the Rec Room to the catcalls of the other mechs.

~ | ~

Sideswipe traced Blurr’s seams slowly, lazily. Blurr smiled, lying relaxed and barely awake. It was early anyway. They didn’t have shifts until midmorning.

Sideswipe purred by Blurr’s audial, low and rumbly, and full of promise. Heat swelled softly through Blurr, respiration picking up little by little. He touched back, stroking what he could reach of the rich red plating. Deep crimson again, and had been for a while. No more sickly, faded nanites.

How long was it? Nearly three years, Blurr thought. Not all that long for them, but a remarkable amount of time for Blurr to still be so happy and content, and with the _same_ lover. Sideswipe was something special though, and he whispered that, earning a quiet chuckle and gentle kiss.

“My Smurf.”

Blurr grinned, looping his arms around Sideswipe’s shoulders. Sideswipe leaned up over him, lips finding Blurr’s unerringly. He could feel his face heat, blushing at romance like he’d never done over even the kinkiest of interfaces.

Languorous, long touches stretched on, neither of them in any hurry. Blurr would beg first. He always did anymore, and all it took was a single, coy caress along the central line of his chest plating for the locks to click and the armor to shift eagerly out of the way. A rocking press of Sideswipe’s hips between his thighs and his interface panel retracted as well.

“Mine.”

Blurr’s spark throbbed brighter, faster at the possessiveness. “Yes,” he whispered, arching his back, knees lifting high to hook over Sideswipe’s pelvic armor.

A dark purr, and Sideswipe was pressing into him, spike and energy, mouth hot and hungry despite how he maintained their slow pace. Blurr moaned, lifting, reaching. He was dazed, dizzy and drunk on the pleasure suffusing his body.

The charge built between them, and Blurr didn’t register that the creak he heard beyond his and Sideswipe’s moans and panting breaths was anything other than the berth shifting under them.

Sideswipe stiffened, vents catching. _Then_ his helm whipped to the side.

A low growl resonated from near the door, and Blurr looked too, mind hazy with pleasure and lust, only to go cold with shock.

“Sunny,” Sideswipe gasped.

Sunstreaker turned and ran, and for a moment neither Blurr nor Sideswipe moved.

“Sunny!” Sideswipe called belatedly, louder. Then he tore away from Blurr, and was gone.

Blurr gasped for air. Something like terror was spreading cold fingers into his spark. Sunstreaker was alive! Sunstreaker was back! He should have been happy. He’d been very fond of Sunstreaker once upon a time. Enough to respect his former commander’s last order and leave him on that bridge.

Blurr twisted to his side, plating closing as he curled up. He wasn’t happy. He was terrified. He was going to lose Sideswipe, because he knew, _knew_ he would never be as important to Sideswipe as Sunstreaker was. It was easy to ignore that fact when Sunstreaker was dead, but now?

Blurr tried to keep the sobs quiet, but they racked him.

Not that it mattered. No one was there to hear.

~

Sideswipe pounded after Sunstreaker, the bond thrown open wide for the first time since he’d accepted his twin was really dead. For three years now he’d had it locked down tight so the gaping hole inside him wouldn’t be so noticeable.

Sunstreaker wasn’t dead!

 _Sunny!_ Sideswipe skidded around a corner, wondering where the slag Sunstreaker thought he was going. His chest plates were closed, and the wobbly trot he did so he could push his spike back away would have been comical if he wasn’t half afraid his mind had snapped and he’d just imagined Sunstreaker.

But no. He could feel him. He could _feel_ Sunstreaker. It was muted, the bond atrophied from the years apart, but that was so unmistakably Sunstreaker.

 _Please, please don’t let me be crazy!_ Sideswipe prayed anyway.

He whipped around another corner, and slid to a stop. “Sunny.”

Sunstreaker turned from the rock wall. There’d been a cave-in on this particular tunnel about a year and a half ago. Sunstreaker couldn’t have known about it. His mouth worked silently.

Optics welling, Sideswipe strode forward, all but tackling his twin to the ground. “Where have you been?! We all thought you were dead. It _felt_ like you were dead!” Static glitched his vocalizer, vents hitching as he clung to Sunstreaker.

“Think I was dead. Or stasis locked,” Sunstreaker replied, arms hanging at his sides.

Sideswipe held tighter, tucking his face into Sunstreaker’s neck. They were alone for the moment, but he wouldn’t have cared if every Autobot in the base saw him weeping like a sparkling. He just needed to feel that steady pulse of energon through Sunstreaker’s main line. It beat hard and fast against his lips.

“So… Blurr, huh?”

Sideswipe straightened, laughing. “Yeah.” He cupped Sunstreaker’s face, and kissed him. Sunstreaker pressed back initially, but then went passive again, just standing there. Sideswipe pulled back to look at his twin. “Primus, are you really here? I’ve missed you so much.”

Sunstreaker’s face darkened, optics narrowing into a hard glare. “Yeah. I can tell.” He shoved past Sideswipe, and stomped back the way they’d come.

“Sunny!” Sideswipe hurried after his twin. “Come on! Don’t be like that. It’s been _years_! You were _dead_! I couldn’t feel you. Ratchet says my spark guttered three times before he was able to stabilize me.”

Sunstreaker whipped around. “You, Sides, _you_ should have known! We’ve been through this before!”

Sideswipe winced at the reminder. “I knew you were alive then. I _tried_ to get to you. This time I watched you blow yourself up. _I_ nearly died!”

“You didn’t! You should have known!”

The dim corridor bleared. Old guilt swallowed Sideswipe whole. “I know,” he whimpered. “I’m sorry, Sunny.”

Sunstreaker was silent for a moment, and Sideswipe thought they might be able to move forward from this. That hope was shattered as Sunstreaker huffed. “Not like it matters now. Hope you’re happy with my replacement.”

Sideswipe gasped as Sunstreaker stomped away. The sob escaped before he could stop it, loud in the old stone tunnel.

Sideswipe shook his helm. No! No, not again! He took off after Sunstreaker. They were not going to make the same mistakes all over again! He hurried by, not noticing Blurr as the Racer reached for him.

~ | ~

Sideswipe didn’t manage to catch Sunstreaker. Not that first day, and not for three days after.

It hurt to have the bond blocked off, but not as much as it should have. That was worrying. And why the frag was Sunstreaker avoiding him? Was he really _that_ angry over Blurr? Primus in the Pit! It’d been _three years_! He had a right to try to rebuild his life!

Didn’t he?

Blurr was an issue too. He was withdrawn, which was just damn wrong. Sideswipe caught him crying twice. _Blurr_. _**Crying**_! Sideswipe hadn’t known what to do, so he’d just left. He shouldn’t have. Blurr never left him.

Sideswipe was torn, and divided his time between hiding away in the deep tunnels and wandering, looking for Sunstreaker so he could apologize again. For everything. Not looking. Not believing. Falling for Blurr. Not wanting to give up Blurr even though Sunstreaker was back.

For not knowing how to fix it all so they could just be happy and together.

~ | ~

Sunstreaker knew he was being ridiculous. He was practically hiding in the medbay. Ratchet eyed him while working on his leg, but didn’t comment. He’d tried once, but Sunstreaker had growled, sat on the berth, crossed his arms, and looked away. Ratchet didn’t broach the Sideswipe or Blurr topics after that.

What he hated most though, what drove him to seek some measure of quietude in the _medbay_ of all places, was the pitying looks or angry glares -usually angry glares- everyone gave him. Sideswipe and Blurr had been a thing for a long time now. _He_ was the unwanted one. The interloper. The home-wrecker.

Sideswipe trailed after him, prodding the bond in random intervals. Sunstreaker refused to let him in. Primus! He _knew_ how bad Sideswipe felt. He’d carefully ease up on the blocks when he figured his twin was recharging. There was so much guilt and pain. How could he let this continue?

How the frag could he possibly fix it all? Sunstreaker sure didn’t deserve Sideswipe back. Not after all he’d done, and not after the hurtful things he’d said out of petty jealousy. What else was Sideswipe supposed to do? What if he _had_ died too?

Sunstreaker scrubbed his face and sighed, ignoring Ratchet’s concerned look.

~ | ~

It was bordering on the absurd. Sunstreaker had been back for three weeks and there was no progress at all.

Blurr was a ghost, and had been one since Sunstreaker’s return. Sideswipe moped through the base trying to find either his bondmate or lover. Mechs muttered at first, but as it continued, those voices rose.

Sunstreaker was told of how only Blurr was really there for Sideswipe when he went and blew himself up. Enough shame came through that Sunstreaker believed them, but the louder message was that he should have either stayed dead, or never been so cruel as to leave his twin in the first place. He was told how sad Sideswipe was now. _Again_ , and all thanks to him coming back to ruin the happiness he’d finally found.

Nevermind he hadn’t intended to live. Nevermind that Sideswipe was _his_ and had been since their creation.

Sunstreaker growled a lot, clenched his fists so much Ratchet fussed at him for stressing the gears, but kept his temper. Mostly.

Until Sideswipe finally cornered him at the room he’d taken over for himself.

Sideswipe had come out of nowhere and shoved Sunstreaker into his room from behind.

“I’m so fragging sick of this!”

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Sunstreaker demanded, stumbling halfway across the small room.

“Wrong with me? Wrong with _me_?!” Sideswipe sputtered for a moment, then roared and dove at Sunstreaker. It felt incredibly good sink his fist into Sunstreaker’s middle. It shocked up his arm, pulled at his shoulder. Sloppy, but so good.

Sunstreaker howled and struck back, and then they were brawling on the floor, rolling back and forth. They cursed and accused, bit, clawed, and screamed.

Sunstreaker landed a solid kick that threw Sideswipe against the door. “I’m _trying_ to leave you and your new life alone, you fragger!”

“I don’t want a new life, you idiot!”

Sunstreaker snorted. “Now that’s a precious way to treat the mech that’s stood by you so long. You just gonna throw Blurr away like that?”

Sideswipe blinked, frowning. “No! Primus! No, I’m not throwing Blurr away. Hard to do anyhow since he’s done everything in his power to avoid me. I haven’t seen him in a week! He even traded patrol shifts!”

Sunstreaker frowned at that news, but shook his helm.

“Oh fuck off!” Sideswipe used the wall to help him get back to his feet and glared down at Sunstreaker. “I never wanted a life without you. Not once. Not ever! They wouldn’t let me die though. Blurr just… shoved his way in and wouldn’t let go, but now that you’re back, he’s run off!” Sideswipe was still going to find a way to beat the slag out of Prowl for not telling him Sunstreaker was back. For not waking them so they could greet the returning ship. For not letting he and Blurr brace for his twin’s miraculous return.

“Exactly! I’m trying to stay out of the way. I’m _trying_ to not fuck this up even more for you!” Sunstreaker stood, fists clenched at his sides.

“I don’t want you ‘out of the way’, damnit! Out of the way is the problem!”

“Didn’t look like much of a problem when I entered _our_ quarters to find you spark-bare with Blurr!” Sunstreaker crossed his arms and glared hard at Sideswipe. “I’m not bonding with him.”

“Who asked you?” Sideswipe threw his hands up. “I’m not bonded to him! Not gonna lie and say the idea hadn’t crossed my mind as a possibility in a dozen or so vorn, but it’s not an immediate thing!”

Sunstreaker shook his helm again, and sat on the berth, staring at the floor between his feet. “Just get out. I’m sorry I didn’t die so you could be happy.”

Sideswipe stared with wide optics. “Of all the ridiculous emo bullshit!” He strode over to his twin and cuffed Sunstreaker hard in the helm. “Fragging Primus! Are you fourteen? Do I need to go find you some black nail polish and eyeliner?”

Sunstreaker snorted an almost-laugh, and looked up at Sideswipe. “Shut up.”

Sideswipe knelt, hands clutching Sunstreaker’s knees. “Sunny, I’m glad your home. I’m so fragging happy you’re alive, but this is killing me. I need you. I’ve never not needed you.”

“Replaced me fast enough,” Sunstreaker said, any hint of humor evaporating.

“Blurr’s not a replacement. I love him, and I don’t want to let him go, but you’re my _bondmate_. Losing you nearly killed me. Ask Ratchet!”

“Sides…”

“No! I _need_ you! I love you, Sunny. Just… We’ll figure out Blurr together, ok? You don’t have to do anything with him, and I won’t even joke about bonding with him unless the two of you fall wildly in love too, ok? Please. I need you.”

“Fine. Don’t cry. I hate when you cry.” Sunstreaker reached out, brushing at the moisture on Sideswipe’s face, ignoring the dampness on his own.

When Sideswipe leaned up, Sunstreaker met him halfway for a bittersweet kiss. They quickly turned hungry, hands clutching and clawing. Sideswipe pushed up. Sunstreaker pulled. They rolled onto the berth, and without thought or discussion, sparklight filled the room.

Sunstreaker’s vents were still running fast, but Sideswipe was snuggled against him and recharging soundly. The bond was wide open, and it took no effort at all for Sunstreaker to sift through his twin’s memories. He held Sideswipe tighter, remorseful for the pain he’d caused. It got better. Slowly. More than catching him up on Sideswipe’s life for the last three years, it gave Sunstreaker a new perspective on Blurr.

The decision was easy, but he buried his intentions where Sideswipe couldn’t see them. Sunstreaker had some work to do, and Sideswipe wasn’t likely to approve. Too bad for him though. Sunstreaker was _going_ to get Blurr back for him.

~ | ~

Blurr yelped and tried to run, but he was caught in an unbreakable grip. “I’ve stayed away! I never meant to steal him from you! I’m sorry.” He broke as Sunstreaker gave him a hard shake. “I swear! Sunstreaker, please!”

Instead of beating his plating in, Sunstreaker pulled Blurr close, wrapping his arms tight around his back. Blurr hiccupped, confused. He tipped his helm up, mouth opening to ask… something, but the thought fled at the angry glare.

“Exactly. You’ve stayed away. Why the frag are you running _now_? You think Sideswipe doesn’t still love you? You think so little of my brother, that you decided to be the one to split before he could toss you? That it?” Sunstreaker wiped at Blurr’s face, far more gently than his tone suggested he would be.

“…No?”

Sunstreaker snorted, and Blurr yelped again as he was suddenly lifted and tossed over a golden shoulder.

“Please, I-“

“I really don’t want excuses.”

“I thought you’d be angry. You sure seemed angry. I thought it’d be best to just step out of the way.” Blurr hung limp. He was fast, but he wasn’t at all likely to break the hold Sunstreaker had on the back of his thigh, and he really didn’t want the dents. His legs were really sensitive. Damage there hurt more than other places.

“You love him?”

“- Yes.”

“Why the hesitation?”

“I… Frag, Sunny. Do you know what the past few weeks have been like for me?” Blurr shuddered. “Yes, I love him. He really needs you though. I’ve always known that I was a pale substitute, but he-“

“You’re not,” Sunstreaker cut in.

“I’m not what?” Blurr glanced around, and even had to wave off a couple mechs that took a step toward them. He didn’t need rescued, and Sunstreaker wasn’t angry in the way he’d thought.

“Not a substitute. Not a replacement,” Sunstreaker answered. “We’ve renewed the bond.” That stung, and Blurr winced, biting his lip to hold back the whimper. “Saw, _felt_ how he feels for you. You’re hurting him with this slag, and I’m thinking Sides has been hurt enough by stupid slag the mechs he cares about do to him. Don’t ya think?”

Blurr was abruptly set on his feet, but Sunstreaker’s hands lingered until he had his balance. “Yeah.” He eyed Sunstreaker for a moment, realizing they were in front of Sideswipe’s door. “So, what now?”

“Now you make a choice.” Sunstreaker crossed his arms, and leaned his shoulder against the wall beside the door. “I’m too fucked in the head still to consider bonding, but he was thinking about it. Down the road a ways, but he’s serious about you. He’s _still_ serious about you. So you stick around, wait to see if I can get my own head out of my aft enough from that slag Screamer manipulated me into pulling, and the bridge, and all the shit that came before it with Hun-“

Sunstreaker cycled his vents. “With Hunter. Or, you walk in there, suck it up, and tell him you can’t handle it so he can start trying to get over you instead of wondering when you’ll come back.”

Blurr tipped his helm, staring up at Sunstreaker. “Could you ever want me? You know he’s not going to be completely happy if he’s worrying about us hating each other.”

Sunstreaker shrugged. “You’re a brat, but I liked you well enough before.” He let his optics sweep down, then back up Blurr’s frame. “And I’ve seen you from Sideswipe’s point of view.” He shrugged again, and pushed off the wall. “Let’s not rush it though.”

“Ok.” Blurr reached for the keypad, but stopped. He wound his arms around Sunstreaker’s neck and hugged him for a minute. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

Sunstreaker snorted. “Now that you know I’m not going to pound you into a pancake?”

Blurr’s optic ridge popped up. “You’re even worse than Sides with the human words and stuff.”

Sunstreaker reached for the keypad himself. “Yeah, well, you spend frag knows how long mentally bonded to one. See how much English just pops out of your mouth.

Blurr shuddered, then followed Sunstreaker into the room. He gave Sideswipe a sheepish grin, but crossed to the berth to climb into his arms. The berth padding dipped a little where Sunstreaker sat beside them, and Sideswipe clutched Blurr tight and fought not to cry.

~ | ~

Blurr smiled as he hurried toward his quarters. Both of them had been teasing him for the last half hour of his patrol with image captures of the other. The last had almost sent Blurr into the wall of the corridor.

Fragging Sunstreaker! Sending him a picture of Sideswipe’s naked spark!

“Are you trying to kill me?” Blurr demanded as he squeezed into the room as soon as the door had slid open far enough.

Sideswipe’s laugh was cut off by a moan as Sunstreaker smirked over his shoulder while tweaking the large conduit that led into Sideswipe’s spark.

Blurr shook his helm as he crawled onto the berth. Glitches. “Know that spot on the back of his crystal?”

Sunstreaker blinked. “There’s a spot on the-“ He pressed his lips together. “Show me.”

Blurr flashed a bright grin, leaning in to kiss Sunstreaker first.

“Hey! Don’t leave me hanging here!” Sideswipe tugged at their arms, and Blurr finally relented with a laugh.

“Greedy glitch, isn’t he?”

Sunstreaker smirked, leaning in to lick across Blurr’s lips. “Try living with him all your life.”

Blurr smiled and winked. He was more than willing to try, and if the past few months were any indication, it’d be a damn good life to live.


End file.
